The Time I Rolled With The Big Boys

I was 16 years old and fresh out of my first year out of secondary school. Summer had finally arrived and I wanted to be productive. I wasn't going to sit around all day doing nothing like most of the other people I knew. I was going to go out there and mingle with the big boys, the game changers, the guys that had a purpose and pronoucend "yeah" like "yah" and went to sushi bars for lunch rather than super drugs, as I had been doing all of my part-time working life.

Through my limited connections I had secured a placement at what is now a top trading company, I was out of my sleepy town where the most exciting thing to happen was when a neighbours newspaper wasn't delivered, to the city, where I belonged, where money was made (and lost) at an astounding rate and where bringing your A game was an expectation rather than a bonus. My attire; school shoes, accompanied by an over sized shirt and blazer. I looked like I had been swallowed by a suit.

Well having worked with the "big boys" for a week, I was invited along to birthday gathering with some of the lads. It all seemed like a professional affair with alcoholic drinks that I was encouraged to consume (I was definitely underage) and endless banter. All harmless fun, but it all changed when the clocks struck midnight, It was Jekyll and Hyde esq.  It was at the precise moment when I was ready to call it a night that I felt a smooth yet firm hand grab me around my neck and tell me the party had just begun (this lad definitely wasn't afraid of a manicure).

I was ushered into a building with only a neon light above the doorway and a bouncer the size of frankenstien standing guard. What the heck is he guarding I wondered as someone stuffed £20 into his pocket as I was bundled inside the "club". After stumbling my way through the entrance and immediately falling up some stairs in my Barrets shoes.  I slowly raised my head to see what I can only imagine T-pain saw when he wrote his infamous song. God was a long way away from this place. This was the devils playground and damn did the devil know how to party.

I looked to my left, it looked like a scene from coco cabana, "B...B..Brazilians," I mutter having only seen figures like theirs on MTV Base.  I look to my right and it looks as though I had just landed in Warsaw, tall beach blonde girls gesturing with the finger. You know that finger that you only see in dirty movies that is frequently accompanied by a wink. I turned around to see no-one behind me, then looked back at her and pointed at myself confused...was she gesturing me!? "She was talking to me!" I exclaim, The "big boys" burst out laughing. What is this place?! I look directly ahead and it felt like I was in Bangkok, girls flying up and down the pole with an athletic prowess that gymnasts in Cirque du Solei would be proud off. Every nationality you could imagine was in there and only the finest specimens at that.

As time ticked on, the "big boys" disappeared one after another, where they went...ask no questions and you'll hear no lies.  I on the other hand fell in love with a stripper, her name escapes me, but I could draw her with my left hand, thats how well I remember her and her many talents. Also because of her I learnt my first and only piece of portugese..."Cerveja".

I secretly support Brazil as a result.

Now being as broke as I was I just sat in amazement until surprisingly someone stuffed a wad of cash in my pocket and said go on, whilst slapping me on my back and giving me a Wah hey and a wink of encouragement. What happened in the next 4 minutes can only be described as a glorious experience (no it wasn't that! get your head out of the gutter). So this is what the "big boys" got up to, I muttered to myself...I wanted in.

I must say though, thank you mr anonymous for that wad, it paid for my taxi and Sushi lunches for the whole of the next week! Finally, I was one of the big boys.

40 Long Ass Days Of Lent

What demonstrates a persons mental strength more than giving up something that they love or something they figuratively can't live without?

I'm not a religious person but can see that there is something nobel in the act of fasting or witholding something from yourself which plays a big part in your lives, so after ruining my friends feeble attempt at giving up alcohol, which lasted a laughable 17 hours and 38 minutes or a measly 8 minutes in my company. I thought I'd look into the idea.

In their defence, no-one can say no to a caipirinha, it's the drink of champions, a drink which demands respect and slaps you with its minty freshness once you have succumbed to it's limey zingyness. 

Anyway after laughing at their futile attempt until I got bored of my own jokes, (which took an unusually long time) I saw the positives in what they had attempted to achieve and wondered to myself, what is my vice? What plays such a big part in my life that I don't even realise that it's there? What couldn't I live without? I once again asked my trusted network of friends to find out what it was? I had a range of suggestions thrown at me such as cigarettes, which would be easy as I smoke on two occasions a month at most. Alcohol, which I would do but Mr Capirinha wouldn't be best pleased but then came the real hit. Immedatley upon suggesting it they retracted their statement and said, "actually, no you can't do that". To which outrage crossed my face, (if they could have seen the piercing stare I gave my Samsung S4 When I scrolled through whatsapp to read their message, they would have turned on their heels ran a mile. 

By now you can probably realise the easiest way to get me to do something is to tell me that I can't, I'm like a dog with a bone when someone challenges me. So it was settled, I would give up sweets. Sweets are literally my life blood, I am the connoisseur of all things sugary and feel no shame when walking into a newsagents, picking up The Economist, a Frodo, a Twangers, a pack of Jelly Bellys, putting down the exact change and shouting "thanks boss" as I exit.

These are addictive and offer a contrasting sweet and sour zing, with the added bonus of turning your tongue blue
Harvey's sweet-tooth rating -  7/10.

They knew this would be an uphill task, but did attempt to console by informing me that they knew of an Irish person that succeeded in giving up alcohol. Really!? Is that possible, now did they know them personally or was it like a legend or folk tale like the lockness monster? I've never been to Ireland but know a few Irish people and their love for alcohol is legendary. I once bore witness to a woman go past the point of no return, return back to a sober state and then order shots of tequila all within 30 minutes, I mean...really!? I repeat...she went PAST the point of no return. I've also been drank under the table by a 5 foot 4 Irish man, my only recorded drinking competition defeat that I would honestly hold my hands up to. Winston Churchill would be proud of any Irish mans alcohol consumption, In fact I can see him smiling down on dublin as we speak (on a side note why is Winston such a stereotypical Jamaican name? something to do with him perhaps). 

I love a challenge but could this be one step too far. There is no prize at steak this time, it's simply Me vs "Addiction". Who wins? I decide.

Replace the woman in this music video with a pack of Haribo Tangfastics and this will be me in two days. Wish me luck.

If Valentines Day Wasn't Bad Enough

What's worse than February 14th for single ladies... Monday 16th. If you're lucky, so far you have been able to avoid social media, turned a blind eye to all in-store flower promotions and even managed to side step the hype of the 50 Shades of Grey film (which I have been told is terrible, although that person was a bitter single lady).

I have out lined this day as being even more devastating than the 14th for 2 reasons:

1. Women show off.

Women enjoy talking about themselves, fact, but there is nothing women love sharing more than a story that involves their partner showing their appreciation for them. Better prepare your interested story listening face because the realisation that you are alone will come thick and fast.

Now guys that have a good woman and even those with bad women know they cannot get away with doing nothing for their partner on the day of love (it's just not worth the arguments). So whether they love their woman or hate her with a passion, you can guarantee he did something. Whether it was taking her to Paris and admiring the Eiffel Tower or picking up a bunch of wilted flowers after work from the petrol station, he made sure he ticked that box.

Before...

One thing that women are the brilliant at, other than arguing, complaining, taking things out of context and only seeing things from their perspective is exaggeration, and with the new art form of Instagram filters, exageration has became an effortless exercise, that once bouquet of wilted flowers can be transformed within seconds to a never ending bed of roses (so don't take their pictures literally).

...After

2. Everyone got engaged

It seems this was a bumper year for the diamond industry because everyone got engaged! Everyone except you! Facebook, Instagram and twitter are all full to the point of explosion with pictures of proposals, engagement rings and cute couples. Damn them and their happiness you say as they continue to rub your noses in it, you reluctantly "like" their picture, they have over 100 likes, it would be rude not to you think to yourself and you are no hater, hmm.

But don't worry single ladies, I've got a good feeling about this year, it's going to be your year, you will take a walk down the street, bump into someone, drop your books and gaze lovingly into that strangers eyes as he attempts to help you pick them up. He will become besotted with you and ask to be your boyfriend, you will conquer the world together and live happily every after (Disclaimer: If this hasn't happened by February 14th 2016 re-read this paragraph). To surmise, if you're sensitive about having noone special to share Valentines Day with, do yourself a favour and call in sick.

In reality though, it's just another day and if you really want to know it's origins and why so many people are made to feel so sh*tty on this day every year, you may want to watch this video. The origins of this celebration are more screwed up than you think. Would you care about this day if it wasn't so commercialised...probably not. Happy Valentines!

How To Win On Valentines Day - Part 1

There's a famous saying and it goes something like this, "there are three types of people in this world, those that can count and those that can't". Well as much as that is true for 364 days of the year. On February the 14th this all goes out the window, because on Valentines Day it's a whole new ball game.

There still remains 3 types of people yet, they differ substantially, there are those that are lonely, those that are bitter and those that take their (love) life by the scuff of the neck, these my friends are the opportunists. In this blog I'm going to give you a taster of how to be this kind of person and not only will you secure a "date" for that special day, but you may even get lucky, actually, i'm not a miracle worker but lets crack on. I'm going to make this short and sweet as the game isn't that hard.

Now at this time of year people are probably the loneliest they will ever be and for the last 2 weeks the poor souls have been unable to escape the Valentines Day hype. The newspapers are full of gifts to get your partner, you can't walk though a supermarket without knocking over a bunch of roses and films have been produced specifically to make you feel like sh*t. It has become a dreaded day, but not for you, this is the day you have been waiting for, its the day you change someones fate, your doing this for them, not for yourself, you wouldn't be that selfish.

Now those that are lonely and bitter have something in common, they both want someone to show them some affection. and contrary to popular belief, on this day of opportunity most people out there will be lonely and they will spend the majority of the day looking at their phones for a notification from their crush that never comes.

Now this is where the opportunist comes in, the opportunist is neither lonely or bitter on Valentines Day but instead are chancers and can sniff out a chance from a mile off. They pre-game, they've been planning this stuff for weeks, Valentines Day won't spring up on them like they've told you. They've been grooming you without your knowledge, they have the mind of a predator. And are in the know, he knows that if you're single, 9 times out of 10 you will be one of the above.

Lads if you are still looking to secure that "date" on Valentines Day, there are few simple steps you must follow, because trust me every lad out there is doing it, and if you haven't started yet it's going to be a quiet night infront of pornhub for you and no-one wants that, you've got the other 364 days of the year to show that kind off affection, Mia Khalifa can wait.

Step 1 -  Scroll through your whats app and message all girls indiscriminately, and when I say indiscriminanlty I mean it. You may get a few, "who's this" or "if you contact me again I'm calling the police" but it's all part and parcel. "Hey ;-)" will suffice. Get the conversation going, chances are out of your 50 female contacts you will get at least 10% in replies back. thats a whole 500% more girls than you were talking to yesterday. #Winning, You're in the game!

Lol...keep fighting

2.) Join POF or Tinder - Contrary to what peoples profiles say, they know the score, that site has a reputation for a reason. I've heard that Tinder now limits likes per day so hurry up and finish this so you can get to work, swipe right until you run out of credits then move back onto POF, repeat this cyclically until you get a reply (POF conversation starters can be offered at request).

3.) Update your profile picture with one of you holding a dog, strange but true, the b*tches love dogs. Pug or Chihuahua preferable, but any puppy will suffice. If you don't have a dog, walk to the park and borrow someone else's, get it done by hook or by crook.

He Knows

That's all for now, but I'll be back with more tips. Happy Valentines Day, Godspeed!

Best Chat Up Line Ever - Part 2

This is the second part to the story from the previous post.

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What Do Women Want?

I heard this joke and found it quite amusing.

"A woman needs four animals in her life: a mink in the closet, a jaguar in the driveway, a tiger in bed, and a jackass to pay for it all"...funny, but could there be any truth in it? Could women be that shallow?

What do women want? It's the age old question that has been irking men for years. Four simple words. This is probably the most frequently asked question that has never had a definitive answer. What do women want? It has been a topic of discussion of hapless men all over the world since the dawn of man and it recently became the topic of discussion between a few of my friends. I'm sure many smarter men than us have asked this question and failed to achieve an answer (even Sigmund Freud gave up after 30 years of research!) but hey, why not give it a go, lets find out what the average East London lad thinks women want.

I gather a few friends and go straight for it "What do you think women really want? I ask inquisitively, "A sharp groan comes across the table from an obviously dejected and defeated male. "Listen yeah" he begins "women don't even know what they want, so how would we know!" A cackle of laughs akin to a pack of hyenas rapture around the room. 'Naah, have you seen my car, they like nice cars" interjects another. "Ahh...so that's why you got that car?" ponders someone else. After a series of jokes I quickly realised this wasn't getting us anywhere, until someone shouted out, "what about what we want!?"

Worked for him, kinda...

Interesting, I thought. After all, in a successful relationships one of many decisive factors is the ability to  meet each others needs. So I changed my stance...what do we want from women? It actually turned out that our list was pretty short and slightly unrealistic. "They need to make a specifications tab on Tinder" quips one, "I'd search for a good cook that doesn't talk through Match of the Day, then I'd set my location to within 15m" He chuckles. The room erupts with laughter again. As the evening wore on and the alcohol vanished from our glasses, one thing was certain, we still had no idea of what women wanted, but at least we had achieved something, intoxication. We decided to call it a night and left in our blissful ignorance.

Ultimately, although we all have the same core fundamental needs of physiological, safety, love and belonging, esteem and self-actualisation (fulfilling your potential) everyone is different and you cant tarnish everyone with the same brush, all women aren't indecisive and emotionally needy and all men are not self confident and able to put up a shelf.

We've all been there!

In my opinion we all have the same needs but in order to satisfy them for a woman you need to put in a bit more effort. For example, men like to be listened to when they have a story to tell, women like to be listened to all the time. Men occasionally like to be complimented, women like to be complimented all the time. But in the end i'm just as stumped as the other 3.5 billion males in this lonely world. Maybe it's the kind of assumption from the opening sentence as to where men have been going wrong all along? So to surmise, what do women want? Why don't you ask them?

Top 10 Chat Up Lines...Do They Work?

The Challenge I Couldn’t Reject...

Back in the good old days, you know, the care free student days, the days of Call of Duty all nighters, drunken evenings in the SU bar and when fine dining meant pasta for breakfast, lunch and dinner, working out for me was not just a past time, it wasn’t a hobby, it was a way of life, it was embedded in my routine. I loved any form of physical activity and participated in anything that was thrown my way. Boxing, gymnastics, football...just show me a sport and I’d partake in it, show me a tree and I’d climb it. And anything could set my passion alight, a TV show (last man standing) a movie (Rocky) or even a randomly placed obstacle in the middle of the street.

Probably at the height of my fitness (lol, at the matching belt and laces)

However since those glory days, life has caught up with me and time constraints have found a way to eat into my recreational activities ever decreasing the time available to participate in the hobbies, which I loved and cherished and that contributed to so much of my personality and character.

Alas, that all changed on an alcohol fueled September evening. On this evening whilst innocently sipping a caprinha with a friend, I was blindsided, taken from behind, kicked in the nuts, insulted some may say!

Whilst puffing my chest out and proudly bragging about my previous exploits in the fitness arena, the medals I had won, the goals I had scored, the acrobatics I did effortlessly, she told me that she couldn’t believe it and that she would never have assumed I could have been serious about working out AND that she is more of a gym person than I could ever be!…That was the last straw! *flashing lights* masculinity challenged! Now this conversation got more excitable and heated until we agreed a challenge. A challenge that would demonstrate not only physical strength, but strength of character, of commitment, of persistence and ultimately of self-motivation AND that would most importantly make her eat her words!

The gauntlet had been set, the guillotine had been weighted and stabilised! Whoever attends the gym the most each week gets a point, the person with the most points by Easter Monday wins! Wins what you ask, Wins a....

Now I am used to competing in sportsman’s bets, whereby the winner takes home bragging rights or man points or if a financial reward was at stake, it would be no more than a pound or a pint at a Weatherspoons (of which my “friends would never pay, citing hard times as an excuse”).

But wow, how the stakes have been raised, how the ante has being elevated. I have stepped into the big leagues with this one. As the delicate cocktail glasses crashed against the sturdy mahogany table, I realised I had helplessly meandered into deep water, drifting out to sea like a lonely can of cider at Blackpool Beach, tossed by a pubescent teenager whilst having it large on a Friday night. Then instantly with an intoxicated handshake the wager was set.

Before....

After

If losing ones masculinity wasn’t enough, Financial ruin was also on the cards…for the person who wins the most points and is victorious in this battle of will wins a luxury holiday to…. Santorini. Flight and hotel included! I hope she has an application read to apply for a pay day loan because in the infamous words of Nas "I WILL NOT LOSE!". 

Game on! The beast has been awoken! Fyi at the time of writing the score is 3 weeks to 1 in my favour! Lets do this!