If Valentines Day Wasn't Bad Enough

What's worse than February 14th for single ladies... Monday 16th. If you're lucky, so far you have been able to avoid social media, turned a blind eye to all in-store flower promotions and even managed to side step the hype of the 50 Shades of Grey film (which I have been told is terrible, although that person was a bitter single lady).

I have out lined this day as being even more devastating than the 14th for 2 reasons:

1. Women show off.

Women enjoy talking about themselves, fact, but there is nothing women love sharing more than a story that involves their partner showing their appreciation for them. Better prepare your interested story listening face because the realisation that you are alone will come thick and fast.

Now guys that have a good woman and even those with bad women know they cannot get away with doing nothing for their partner on the day of love (it's just not worth the arguments). So whether they love their woman or hate her with a passion, you can guarantee he did something. Whether it was taking her to Paris and admiring the Eiffel Tower or picking up a bunch of wilted flowers after work from the petrol station, he made sure he ticked that box.

Before...

One thing that women are the brilliant at, other than arguing, complaining, taking things out of context and only seeing things from their perspective is exaggeration, and with the new art form of Instagram filters, exageration has became an effortless exercise, that once bouquet of wilted flowers can be transformed within seconds to a never ending bed of roses (so don't take their pictures literally).

...After

2. Everyone got engaged

It seems this was a bumper year for the diamond industry because everyone got engaged! Everyone except you! Facebook, Instagram and twitter are all full to the point of explosion with pictures of proposals, engagement rings and cute couples. Damn them and their happiness you say as they continue to rub your noses in it, you reluctantly "like" their picture, they have over 100 likes, it would be rude not to you think to yourself and you are no hater, hmm.

But don't worry single ladies, I've got a good feeling about this year, it's going to be your year, you will take a walk down the street, bump into someone, drop your books and gaze lovingly into that strangers eyes as he attempts to help you pick them up. He will become besotted with you and ask to be your boyfriend, you will conquer the world together and live happily every after (Disclaimer: If this hasn't happened by February 14th 2016 re-read this paragraph). To surmise, if you're sensitive about having noone special to share Valentines Day with, do yourself a favour and call in sick.

In reality though, it's just another day and if you really want to know it's origins and why so many people are made to feel so sh*tty on this day every year, you may want to watch this video. The origins of this celebration are more screwed up than you think. Would you care about this day if it wasn't so commercialised...probably not. Happy Valentines!

How To Win On Valentines Day - Part 1

There's a famous saying and it goes something like this, "there are three types of people in this world, those that can count and those that can't". Well as much as that is true for 364 days of the year. On February the 14th this all goes out the window, because on Valentines Day it's a whole new ball game.

There still remains 3 types of people yet, they differ substantially, there are those that are lonely, those that are bitter and those that take their (love) life by the scuff of the neck, these my friends are the opportunists. In this blog I'm going to give you a taster of how to be this kind of person and not only will you secure a "date" for that special day, but you may even get lucky, actually, i'm not a miracle worker but lets crack on. I'm going to make this short and sweet as the game isn't that hard.

Now at this time of year people are probably the loneliest they will ever be and for the last 2 weeks the poor souls have been unable to escape the Valentines Day hype. The newspapers are full of gifts to get your partner, you can't walk though a supermarket without knocking over a bunch of roses and films have been produced specifically to make you feel like sh*t. It has become a dreaded day, but not for you, this is the day you have been waiting for, its the day you change someones fate, your doing this for them, not for yourself, you wouldn't be that selfish.

Now those that are lonely and bitter have something in common, they both want someone to show them some affection. and contrary to popular belief, on this day of opportunity most people out there will be lonely and they will spend the majority of the day looking at their phones for a notification from their crush that never comes.

Now this is where the opportunist comes in, the opportunist is neither lonely or bitter on Valentines Day but instead are chancers and can sniff out a chance from a mile off. They pre-game, they've been planning this stuff for weeks, Valentines Day won't spring up on them like they've told you. They've been grooming you without your knowledge, they have the mind of a predator. And are in the know, he knows that if you're single, 9 times out of 10 you will be one of the above.

Lads if you are still looking to secure that "date" on Valentines Day, there are few simple steps you must follow, because trust me every lad out there is doing it, and if you haven't started yet it's going to be a quiet night infront of pornhub for you and no-one wants that, you've got the other 364 days of the year to show that kind off affection, Mia Khalifa can wait.

Step 1 -  Scroll through your whats app and message all girls indiscriminately, and when I say indiscriminanlty I mean it. You may get a few, "who's this" or "if you contact me again I'm calling the police" but it's all part and parcel. "Hey ;-)" will suffice. Get the conversation going, chances are out of your 50 female contacts you will get at least 10% in replies back. thats a whole 500% more girls than you were talking to yesterday. #Winning, You're in the game!

Lol...keep fighting

2.) Join POF or Tinder - Contrary to what peoples profiles say, they know the score, that site has a reputation for a reason. I've heard that Tinder now limits likes per day so hurry up and finish this so you can get to work, swipe right until you run out of credits then move back onto POF, repeat this cyclically until you get a reply (POF conversation starters can be offered at request).

3.) Update your profile picture with one of you holding a dog, strange but true, the b*tches love dogs. Pug or Chihuahua preferable, but any puppy will suffice. If you don't have a dog, walk to the park and borrow someone else's, get it done by hook or by crook.

He Knows

That's all for now, but I'll be back with more tips. Happy Valentines Day, Godspeed!

What Do Women Want?

I heard this joke and found it quite amusing.

"A woman needs four animals in her life: a mink in the closet, a jaguar in the driveway, a tiger in bed, and a jackass to pay for it all"...funny, but could there be any truth in it? Could women be that shallow?

What do women want? It's the age old question that has been irking men for years. Four simple words. This is probably the most frequently asked question that has never had a definitive answer. What do women want? It has been a topic of discussion of hapless men all over the world since the dawn of man and it recently became the topic of discussion between a few of my friends. I'm sure many smarter men than us have asked this question and failed to achieve an answer (even Sigmund Freud gave up after 30 years of research!) but hey, why not give it a go, lets find out what the average East London lad thinks women want.

I gather a few friends and go straight for it "What do you think women really want? I ask inquisitively, "A sharp groan comes across the table from an obviously dejected and defeated male. "Listen yeah" he begins "women don't even know what they want, so how would we know!" A cackle of laughs akin to a pack of hyenas rapture around the room. 'Naah, have you seen my car, they like nice cars" interjects another. "Ahh...so that's why you got that car?" ponders someone else. After a series of jokes I quickly realised this wasn't getting us anywhere, until someone shouted out, "what about what we want!?"

Worked for him, kinda...

Interesting, I thought. After all, in a successful relationships one of many decisive factors is the ability to  meet each others needs. So I changed my stance...what do we want from women? It actually turned out that our list was pretty short and slightly unrealistic. "They need to make a specifications tab on Tinder" quips one, "I'd search for a good cook that doesn't talk through Match of the Day, then I'd set my location to within 15m" He chuckles. The room erupts with laughter again. As the evening wore on and the alcohol vanished from our glasses, one thing was certain, we still had no idea of what women wanted, but at least we had achieved something, intoxication. We decided to call it a night and left in our blissful ignorance.

Ultimately, although we all have the same core fundamental needs of physiological, safety, love and belonging, esteem and self-actualisation (fulfilling your potential) everyone is different and you cant tarnish everyone with the same brush, all women aren't indecisive and emotionally needy and all men are not self confident and able to put up a shelf.

We've all been there!

In my opinion we all have the same needs but in order to satisfy them for a woman you need to put in a bit more effort. For example, men like to be listened to when they have a story to tell, women like to be listened to all the time. Men occasionally like to be complimented, women like to be complimented all the time. But in the end i'm just as stumped as the other 3.5 billion males in this lonely world. Maybe it's the kind of assumption from the opening sentence as to where men have been going wrong all along? So to surmise, what do women want? Why don't you ask them?