Alicia Keys - In Common Review (My Thoughts)

Stop and Search in Ibiza!

A short story about when I was searched in Ibiza on a night out.

The Time I Knew WWF Wasn't For Me

I was in Cancun for spring break! Whoop whoop, I was living the freshmen's dream. It was the mecca of irresponsible students, the city where biceps came before brains and where brains came to die.  The only thing of importance in Cancun was alcohol and lots more of it. The level of alcohol consumption can be analysed in this short story. On the first night of my trip I stumbled out of bed and staggered down to the hotel restaurant with the taste of tequila festering in my mouth. As I wandered past the pool I was greeted by the sounds of a group chanting "bo-dy shot, body shot!". For those of you that are innocent and unaware, a body shot is a when someone consumes a shot of alcohol from the belly button of the opposite sex. I looked at my watch to find it was10am. I repeat this was happening at 10am...I was on my way to breakfast. 

So having taken 2 days to adjust to the masculine and intense culture which was ever present in this sunshine city, my brother and I decided to lay on the beach to relax, detox, chill and catch a few rays. After all what's a holiday if you can't do that. How this innocent sunbathe ended up with myself with a near broken neck and needing a massge from a fruity looking dude with surfing shorts and hair flowing to his shoulders, still confuses me.

Do you have a sibling? Are you the younger sibling? Well if you are im sure you will feel my pain. After taking a stroll with my brother down the beach we saw a few guys play fighting in the sunshine. It looked like fun. Picture this scene, music blasting, the sun blazing, alcohol flowing, people dancing wildly on the beach; nobody had a care in the world.

This environment made me come out of my skin and caught up in the hype of the moment I take a look at my brother and say to myself, this is my chance, I'm not "young one" anymore I'm going to take him. I'm going to show him whose the "big brother". The idea of defeating my brother fizzes in my mind like a shaken bottle of lemonade and the more I think about it the more I believe in myself.  The Rocky theme beats loudly in my head. The powerful trumpets raising my pulse with every beat. I can do it! I will avenege all those times that he out muscled me, out thought me and tormented me as a child! I'm taller, leaner and adrenaline is on my side. This battle of David and Goliath is going to have a twist! 



I begin to challenge him and trash talk. He doesn't need much encouragement and accepts my offer with open arms. I circle him like a vulture, analysing his every move. We start to wrestle..."Im going to take you", I mutter, psyching myself up in the process. The iconic scene in 300 flashes through my mind, "This is Sparta!" I envision myself giving him the sparta kick into the Caribbean sea. That's for the time you sold me fireworks, took them when I wasn't aware and then told me that I must have forgotten that I used them (I was 9 years old) I mumble...but think twice once I realise I havent stretched my legs. 

Then I visualise giving him the Stone Cold Stunner...could that work in real life? "thats for the time you turned of all the lights from the fuse box and locked me in the house" I whisper, but then I realise I don't have JR comentatiing on this battle so it wont have the same affect. 

I throw caution to the wind and dive in...god dammit he's got a low centre of gravity, this may not work...I jump out of the grapple attempting to reassess my options. In my peripheral vision I see a small crowd gathering, I dive in again this time going for his legs, I've got them, surely i'll avenge my defeats. Suddenly he gets me in a headlock, I kid you not, I was in this headlock for an eternity, you could have gone home watched a full season of breaking bad, came back and still not have missed anything. My head was literally being removed from my neck one vertebrae at a time. I was being hung with both feet on the ground.

He goaded me, "give up, you know you want to"...I did want to, but pride is something that doesn't disappear easily from a stubborn mule like myself. My face is now embedded in the sand, the sand which massaged my toes only moments earlier was now an accomplice in my imminent murder. After what felt like forever, I reluctantly ate humble pie and tapped out. I took another L, but lets look on the bright side...I didn't die, i'll get you next time bro, when you least expect it. 

The Next Time I Stayed In A Hostel...

I was in New York! The concrete jungle where dreams are made of! I will never forget the taxi journey from the airport to our apartment when that song came on as we cruised through Manhattan as the bright city lights ignited the city. It was enough to send chills down your spine. And it did! I was here!

After spending a few nights in the comfort of our apartment, under the hospitality of our generous hosts, I decided it was time to go it alone and experience what this city really had to offer! I wanted the Miami experience! I wanted alcohol fueled nights with people I'd never see again, I wanted to ask someone where they were from then have to pretend I had heard of it, I wanted someone to walk into my dorm with a bottle of Jack and say “lets get tanked up!” It may seem like a lot but it happened before, why cant it happen again?… I wanted to stay in a hostel.

I ran to the nearest internet café on 125th, looked online, found the hostel with the best reviews in the best location, packed my bag and jumped on the one train bursting with anticipation. I couldn’t wait, how many people would be in my dorm? Where would they be from? Where would we go out first?  What would I wear? All thoughts ringing through my head as I galloped up to a miserable looking old man, with grey hair matted hair, olive skin and a toothpick hanging out the side of his mouth at reception, "hey what’s up" I exclaim in high spirits, with a tinge of an American accent which I had picked up from all the stateside sitcoms I watched as a kid. I had City Guys to thank for this particular dialect. I repeat myself, as by his motionless expressions, he couldn’t have heard me…. could he?  "Hey what’s up! I’ve got a reservation!" He takes my passports, grunts then hands me my keys.

AA - Automobile Association...right?

Still fueled by high spirits I bounce up the three flights of stairs to my room, I was like Tigger on heat. I reached the peak in about 3 steps, I push the door open with excitement to see a middle aged man on the bottom bunk reading what looked like a C.S Lewis novel.  He looked happy to see someone enter and we engage in meaningless conversation for 5 minutes. I then attempt to persuade him to come and chill outside. After realizing I’m onto a losing battle I break out my party starter, my crimson sword, my rocket launcher, my harrier jet to shake this guy into life! My bottle of flavored Vodka…Boooya!!! …"Check mate!" I say to myself glumly, I’ve been all around the world and not one person has been able to resist the taste of this delicacy on their lips…to which he replies, "ahh im with AA mate"…. I said "ahh that’s cool", blissfully unaware of the significance of the statement... "So you fancy a drink?" I crack open the bottle, smell the sweet scent of the marshmallows and exhale with a smile full of satisfaction…I gesture for him to smell it….

Not sure if this advertising campaign does any justice to my case , but  this is the best alcoholic drink...EVER!

"Alcoholics Anonymous" he replies “ I’ve been clean for four years” …I pause for a moment digesting the words which trickled out of his mouth…awwwwwkwarddddd…well this wasn’t going to work…. I picked up my bag, threw it in the locker, grasped my bottle of Vodka tightly by the neck (ensuring he saw me take it) and headed dejected to the lobby, to find two middle aged women playing chess! Where the hell am I? An old peoples home or a hospice! Miami this was not!

What Do Women Want?

I heard this joke and found it quite amusing.

"A woman needs four animals in her life: a mink in the closet, a jaguar in the driveway, a tiger in bed, and a jackass to pay for it all"...funny, but could there be any truth in it? Could women be that shallow?

What do women want? It's the age old question that has been irking men for years. Four simple words. This is probably the most frequently asked question that has never had a definitive answer. What do women want? It has been a topic of discussion of hapless men all over the world since the dawn of man and it recently became the topic of discussion between a few of my friends. I'm sure many smarter men than us have asked this question and failed to achieve an answer (even Sigmund Freud gave up after 30 years of research!) but hey, why not give it a go, lets find out what the average East London lad thinks women want.

I gather a few friends and go straight for it "What do you think women really want? I ask inquisitively, "A sharp groan comes across the table from an obviously dejected and defeated male. "Listen yeah" he begins "women don't even know what they want, so how would we know!" A cackle of laughs akin to a pack of hyenas rapture around the room. 'Naah, have you seen my car, they like nice cars" interjects another. "Ahh...so that's why you got that car?" ponders someone else. After a series of jokes I quickly realised this wasn't getting us anywhere, until someone shouted out, "what about what we want!?"

Worked for him, kinda...

Interesting, I thought. After all, in a successful relationships one of many decisive factors is the ability to  meet each others needs. So I changed my stance...what do we want from women? It actually turned out that our list was pretty short and slightly unrealistic. "They need to make a specifications tab on Tinder" quips one, "I'd search for a good cook that doesn't talk through Match of the Day, then I'd set my location to within 15m" He chuckles. The room erupts with laughter again. As the evening wore on and the alcohol vanished from our glasses, one thing was certain, we still had no idea of what women wanted, but at least we had achieved something, intoxication. We decided to call it a night and left in our blissful ignorance.

Ultimately, although we all have the same core fundamental needs of physiological, safety, love and belonging, esteem and self-actualisation (fulfilling your potential) everyone is different and you cant tarnish everyone with the same brush, all women aren't indecisive and emotionally needy and all men are not self confident and able to put up a shelf.

We've all been there!

In my opinion we all have the same needs but in order to satisfy them for a woman you need to put in a bit more effort. For example, men like to be listened to when they have a story to tell, women like to be listened to all the time. Men occasionally like to be complimented, women like to be complimented all the time. But in the end i'm just as stumped as the other 3.5 billion males in this lonely world. Maybe it's the kind of assumption from the opening sentence as to where men have been going wrong all along? So to surmise, what do women want? Why don't you ask them?

The Challenge I Couldn’t Reject...

Back in the good old days, you know, the care free student days, the days of Call of Duty all nighters, drunken evenings in the SU bar and when fine dining meant pasta for breakfast, lunch and dinner, working out for me was not just a past time, it wasn’t a hobby, it was a way of life, it was embedded in my routine. I loved any form of physical activity and participated in anything that was thrown my way. Boxing, gymnastics, football...just show me a sport and I’d partake in it, show me a tree and I’d climb it. And anything could set my passion alight, a TV show (last man standing) a movie (Rocky) or even a randomly placed obstacle in the middle of the street.

Probably at the height of my fitness (lol, at the matching belt and laces)

However since those glory days, life has caught up with me and time constraints have found a way to eat into my recreational activities ever decreasing the time available to participate in the hobbies, which I loved and cherished and that contributed to so much of my personality and character.

Alas, that all changed on an alcohol fueled September evening. On this evening whilst innocently sipping a caprinha with a friend, I was blindsided, taken from behind, kicked in the nuts, insulted some may say!

Whilst puffing my chest out and proudly bragging about my previous exploits in the fitness arena, the medals I had won, the goals I had scored, the acrobatics I did effortlessly, she told me that she couldn’t believe it and that she would never have assumed I could have been serious about working out AND that she is more of a gym person than I could ever be!…That was the last straw! *flashing lights* masculinity challenged! Now this conversation got more excitable and heated until we agreed a challenge. A challenge that would demonstrate not only physical strength, but strength of character, of commitment, of persistence and ultimately of self-motivation AND that would most importantly make her eat her words!

The gauntlet had been set, the guillotine had been weighted and stabilised! Whoever attends the gym the most each week gets a point, the person with the most points by Easter Monday wins! Wins what you ask, Wins a....

Now I am used to competing in sportsman’s bets, whereby the winner takes home bragging rights or man points or if a financial reward was at stake, it would be no more than a pound or a pint at a Weatherspoons (of which my “friends would never pay, citing hard times as an excuse”).

But wow, how the stakes have been raised, how the ante has being elevated. I have stepped into the big leagues with this one. As the delicate cocktail glasses crashed against the sturdy mahogany table, I realised I had helplessly meandered into deep water, drifting out to sea like a lonely can of cider at Blackpool Beach, tossed by a pubescent teenager whilst having it large on a Friday night. Then instantly with an intoxicated handshake the wager was set.

Before....

After

If losing ones masculinity wasn’t enough, Financial ruin was also on the cards…for the person who wins the most points and is victorious in this battle of will wins a luxury holiday to…. Santorini. Flight and hotel included! I hope she has an application read to apply for a pay day loan because in the infamous words of Nas "I WILL NOT LOSE!". 

Game on! The beast has been awoken! Fyi at the time of writing the score is 3 weeks to 1 in my favour! Lets do this!