The Time I Knew WWF Wasn't For Me

I was in Cancun for spring break! Whoop whoop, I was living the freshmen's dream. It was the mecca of irresponsible students, the city where biceps came before brains and where brains came to die.  The only thing of importance in Cancun was alcohol and lots more of it. The level of alcohol consumption can be analysed in this short story. On the first night of my trip I stumbled out of bed and staggered down to the hotel restaurant with the taste of tequila festering in my mouth. As I wandered past the pool I was greeted by the sounds of a group chanting "bo-dy shot, body shot!". For those of you that are innocent and unaware, a body shot is a when someone consumes a shot of alcohol from the belly button of the opposite sex. I looked at my watch to find it was10am. I repeat this was happening at 10am...I was on my way to breakfast. 

So having taken 2 days to adjust to the masculine and intense culture which was ever present in this sunshine city, my brother and I decided to lay on the beach to relax, detox, chill and catch a few rays. After all what's a holiday if you can't do that. How this innocent sunbathe ended up with myself with a near broken neck and needing a massge from a fruity looking dude with surfing shorts and hair flowing to his shoulders, still confuses me.

Do you have a sibling? Are you the younger sibling? Well if you are im sure you will feel my pain. After taking a stroll with my brother down the beach we saw a few guys play fighting in the sunshine. It looked like fun. Picture this scene, music blasting, the sun blazing, alcohol flowing, people dancing wildly on the beach; nobody had a care in the world.

This environment made me come out of my skin and caught up in the hype of the moment I take a look at my brother and say to myself, this is my chance, I'm not "young one" anymore I'm going to take him. I'm going to show him whose the "big brother". The idea of defeating my brother fizzes in my mind like a shaken bottle of lemonade and the more I think about it the more I believe in myself.  The Rocky theme beats loudly in my head. The powerful trumpets raising my pulse with every beat. I can do it! I will avenege all those times that he out muscled me, out thought me and tormented me as a child! I'm taller, leaner and adrenaline is on my side. This battle of David and Goliath is going to have a twist! 



I begin to challenge him and trash talk. He doesn't need much encouragement and accepts my offer with open arms. I circle him like a vulture, analysing his every move. We start to wrestle..."Im going to take you", I mutter, psyching myself up in the process. The iconic scene in 300 flashes through my mind, "This is Sparta!" I envision myself giving him the sparta kick into the Caribbean sea. That's for the time you sold me fireworks, took them when I wasn't aware and then told me that I must have forgotten that I used them (I was 9 years old) I mumble...but think twice once I realise I havent stretched my legs. 

Then I visualise giving him the Stone Cold Stunner...could that work in real life? "thats for the time you turned of all the lights from the fuse box and locked me in the house" I whisper, but then I realise I don't have JR comentatiing on this battle so it wont have the same affect. 

I throw caution to the wind and dive in...god dammit he's got a low centre of gravity, this may not work...I jump out of the grapple attempting to reassess my options. In my peripheral vision I see a small crowd gathering, I dive in again this time going for his legs, I've got them, surely i'll avenge my defeats. Suddenly he gets me in a headlock, I kid you not, I was in this headlock for an eternity, you could have gone home watched a full season of breaking bad, came back and still not have missed anything. My head was literally being removed from my neck one vertebrae at a time. I was being hung with both feet on the ground.

He goaded me, "give up, you know you want to"...I did want to, but pride is something that doesn't disappear easily from a stubborn mule like myself. My face is now embedded in the sand, the sand which massaged my toes only moments earlier was now an accomplice in my imminent murder. After what felt like forever, I reluctantly ate humble pie and tapped out. I took another L, but lets look on the bright side...I didn't die, i'll get you next time bro, when you least expect it. 

The Next Time I Stayed In A Hostel...

I was in New York! The concrete jungle where dreams are made of! I will never forget the taxi journey from the airport to our apartment when that song came on as we cruised through Manhattan as the bright city lights ignited the city. It was enough to send chills down your spine. And it did! I was here!

After spending a few nights in the comfort of our apartment, under the hospitality of our generous hosts, I decided it was time to go it alone and experience what this city really had to offer! I wanted the Miami experience! I wanted alcohol fueled nights with people I'd never see again, I wanted to ask someone where they were from then have to pretend I had heard of it, I wanted someone to walk into my dorm with a bottle of Jack and say “lets get tanked up!” It may seem like a lot but it happened before, why cant it happen again?… I wanted to stay in a hostel.

I ran to the nearest internet café on 125th, looked online, found the hostel with the best reviews in the best location, packed my bag and jumped on the one train bursting with anticipation. I couldn’t wait, how many people would be in my dorm? Where would they be from? Where would we go out first?  What would I wear? All thoughts ringing through my head as I galloped up to a miserable looking old man, with grey hair matted hair, olive skin and a toothpick hanging out the side of his mouth at reception, "hey what’s up" I exclaim in high spirits, with a tinge of an American accent which I had picked up from all the stateside sitcoms I watched as a kid. I had City Guys to thank for this particular dialect. I repeat myself, as by his motionless expressions, he couldn’t have heard me…. could he?  "Hey what’s up! I’ve got a reservation!" He takes my passports, grunts then hands me my keys.

AA - Automobile Association...right?

Still fueled by high spirits I bounce up the three flights of stairs to my room, I was like Tigger on heat. I reached the peak in about 3 steps, I push the door open with excitement to see a middle aged man on the bottom bunk reading what looked like a C.S Lewis novel.  He looked happy to see someone enter and we engage in meaningless conversation for 5 minutes. I then attempt to persuade him to come and chill outside. After realizing I’m onto a losing battle I break out my party starter, my crimson sword, my rocket launcher, my harrier jet to shake this guy into life! My bottle of flavored Vodka…Boooya!!! …"Check mate!" I say to myself glumly, I’ve been all around the world and not one person has been able to resist the taste of this delicacy on their lips…to which he replies, "ahh im with AA mate"…. I said "ahh that’s cool", blissfully unaware of the significance of the statement... "So you fancy a drink?" I crack open the bottle, smell the sweet scent of the marshmallows and exhale with a smile full of satisfaction…I gesture for him to smell it….

Not sure if this advertising campaign does any justice to my case , but  this is the best alcoholic drink...EVER!

"Alcoholics Anonymous" he replies “ I’ve been clean for four years” …I pause for a moment digesting the words which trickled out of his mouth…awwwwwkwarddddd…well this wasn’t going to work…. I picked up my bag, threw it in the locker, grasped my bottle of Vodka tightly by the neck (ensuring he saw me take it) and headed dejected to the lobby, to find two middle aged women playing chess! Where the hell am I? An old peoples home or a hospice! Miami this was not!