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The Time I Rolled With The Big Boys

I was 16 years old and fresh out of my first year out of secondary school. Summer had finally arrived and I wanted to be productive. I wasn't going to sit around all day doing nothing like most of the other people I knew. I was going to go out there and mingle with the big boys, the game changers, the guys that had a purpose and pronoucend "yeah" like "yah" and went to sushi bars for lunch rather than super drugs, as I had been doing all of my part-time working life.

Through my limited connections I had secured a placement at what is now a top trading company, I was out of my sleepy town where the most exciting thing to happen was when a neighbours newspaper wasn't delivered, to the city, where I belonged, where money was made (and lost) at an astounding rate and where bringing your A game was an expectation rather than a bonus. My attire; school shoes, accompanied by an over sized shirt and blazer. I looked like I had been swallowed by a suit.

Well having worked with the "big boys" for a week, I was invited along to birthday gathering with some of the lads. It all seemed like a professional affair with alcoholic drinks that I was encouraged to consume (I was definitely underage) and endless banter. All harmless fun, but it all changed when the clocks struck midnight, It was Jekyll and Hyde esq.  It was at the precise moment when I was ready to call it a night that I felt a smooth yet firm hand grab me around my neck and tell me the party had just begun (this lad definitely wasn't afraid of a manicure).

I was ushered into a building with only a neon light above the doorway and a bouncer the size of frankenstien standing guard. What the heck is he guarding I wondered as someone stuffed £20 into his pocket as I was bundled inside the "club". After stumbling my way through the entrance and immediately falling up some stairs in my Barrets shoes.  I slowly raised my head to see what I can only imagine T-pain saw when he wrote his infamous song. God was a long way away from this place. This was the devils playground and damn did the devil know how to party.

I looked to my left, it looked like a scene from coco cabana, "B...B..Brazilians," I mutter having only seen figures like theirs on MTV Base.  I look to my right and it looks as though I had just landed in Warsaw, tall beach blonde girls gesturing with the finger. You know that finger that you only see in dirty movies that is frequently accompanied by a wink. I turned around to see no-one behind me, then looked back at her and pointed at myself confused...was she gesturing me!? "She was talking to me!" I exclaim, The "big boys" burst out laughing. What is this place?! I look directly ahead and it felt like I was in Bangkok, girls flying up and down the pole with an athletic prowess that gymnasts in Cirque du Solei would be proud off. Every nationality you could imagine was in there and only the finest specimens at that.

As time ticked on, the "big boys" disappeared one after another, where they went...ask no questions and you'll hear no lies.  I on the other hand fell in love with a stripper, her name escapes me, but I could draw her with my left hand, thats how well I remember her and her many talents. Also because of her I learnt my first and only piece of portugese..."Cerveja".

I secretly support Brazil as a result.

Now being as broke as I was I just sat in amazement until surprisingly someone stuffed a wad of cash in my pocket and said go on, whilst slapping me on my back and giving me a Wah hey and a wink of encouragement. What happened in the next 4 minutes can only be described as a glorious experience (no it wasn't that! get your head out of the gutter). So this is what the "big boys" got up to, I muttered to myself...I wanted in.

I must say though, thank you mr anonymous for that wad, it paid for my taxi and Sushi lunches for the whole of the next week! Finally, I was one of the big boys.

Epic Ibiza Freestyle #Vibes

Stop and Search in Ibiza!

A short story about when I was searched in Ibiza on a night out.

40 Long Ass Days Of Lent

What demonstrates a persons mental strength more than giving up something that they love or something they figuratively can't live without?

I'm not a religious person but can see that there is something nobel in the act of fasting or witholding something from yourself which plays a big part in your lives, so after ruining my friends feeble attempt at giving up alcohol, which lasted a laughable 17 hours and 38 minutes or a measly 8 minutes in my company. I thought I'd look into the idea.

In their defence, no-one can say no to a caipirinha, it's the drink of champions, a drink which demands respect and slaps you with its minty freshness once you have succumbed to it's limey zingyness. 

Anyway after laughing at their futile attempt until I got bored of my own jokes, (which took an unusually long time) I saw the positives in what they had attempted to achieve and wondered to myself, what is my vice? What plays such a big part in my life that I don't even realise that it's there? What couldn't I live without? I once again asked my trusted network of friends to find out what it was? I had a range of suggestions thrown at me such as cigarettes, which would be easy as I smoke on two occasions a month at most. Alcohol, which I would do but Mr Capirinha wouldn't be best pleased but then came the real hit. Immedatley upon suggesting it they retracted their statement and said, "actually, no you can't do that". To which outrage crossed my face, (if they could have seen the piercing stare I gave my Samsung S4 When I scrolled through whatsapp to read their message, they would have turned on their heels ran a mile. 

By now you can probably realise the easiest way to get me to do something is to tell me that I can't, I'm like a dog with a bone when someone challenges me. So it was settled, I would give up sweets. Sweets are literally my life blood, I am the connoisseur of all things sugary and feel no shame when walking into a newsagents, picking up The Economist, a Frodo, a Twangers, a pack of Jelly Bellys, putting down the exact change and shouting "thanks boss" as I exit.

These are addictive and offer a contrasting sweet and sour zing, with the added bonus of turning your tongue blue
Harvey's sweet-tooth rating -  7/10.

They knew this would be an uphill task, but did attempt to console by informing me that they knew of an Irish person that succeeded in giving up alcohol. Really!? Is that possible, now did they know them personally or was it like a legend or folk tale like the lockness monster? I've never been to Ireland but know a few Irish people and their love for alcohol is legendary. I once bore witness to a woman go past the point of no return, return back to a sober state and then order shots of tequila all within 30 minutes, I mean...really!? I repeat...she went PAST the point of no return. I've also been drank under the table by a 5 foot 4 Irish man, my only recorded drinking competition defeat that I would honestly hold my hands up to. Winston Churchill would be proud of any Irish mans alcohol consumption, In fact I can see him smiling down on dublin as we speak (on a side note why is Winston such a stereotypical Jamaican name? something to do with him perhaps). 

I love a challenge but could this be one step too far. There is no prize at steak this time, it's simply Me vs "Addiction". Who wins? I decide.

Replace the woman in this music video with a pack of Haribo Tangfastics and this will be me in two days. Wish me luck.

If Valentines Day Wasn't Bad Enough

What's worse than February 14th for single ladies... Monday 16th. If you're lucky, so far you have been able to avoid social media, turned a blind eye to all in-store flower promotions and even managed to side step the hype of the 50 Shades of Grey film (which I have been told is terrible, although that person was a bitter single lady).

I have out lined this day as being even more devastating than the 14th for 2 reasons:

1. Women show off.

Women enjoy talking about themselves, fact, but there is nothing women love sharing more than a story that involves their partner showing their appreciation for them. Better prepare your interested story listening face because the realisation that you are alone will come thick and fast.

Now guys that have a good woman and even those with bad women know they cannot get away with doing nothing for their partner on the day of love (it's just not worth the arguments). So whether they love their woman or hate her with a passion, you can guarantee he did something. Whether it was taking her to Paris and admiring the Eiffel Tower or picking up a bunch of wilted flowers after work from the petrol station, he made sure he ticked that box.

Before...

One thing that women are the brilliant at, other than arguing, complaining, taking things out of context and only seeing things from their perspective is exaggeration, and with the new art form of Instagram filters, exageration has became an effortless exercise, that once bouquet of wilted flowers can be transformed within seconds to a never ending bed of roses (so don't take their pictures literally).

...After

2. Everyone got engaged

It seems this was a bumper year for the diamond industry because everyone got engaged! Everyone except you! Facebook, Instagram and twitter are all full to the point of explosion with pictures of proposals, engagement rings and cute couples. Damn them and their happiness you say as they continue to rub your noses in it, you reluctantly "like" their picture, they have over 100 likes, it would be rude not to you think to yourself and you are no hater, hmm.

But don't worry single ladies, I've got a good feeling about this year, it's going to be your year, you will take a walk down the street, bump into someone, drop your books and gaze lovingly into that strangers eyes as he attempts to help you pick them up. He will become besotted with you and ask to be your boyfriend, you will conquer the world together and live happily every after (Disclaimer: If this hasn't happened by February 14th 2016 re-read this paragraph). To surmise, if you're sensitive about having noone special to share Valentines Day with, do yourself a favour and call in sick.

In reality though, it's just another day and if you really want to know it's origins and why so many people are made to feel so sh*tty on this day every year, you may want to watch this video. The origins of this celebration are more screwed up than you think. Would you care about this day if it wasn't so commercialised...probably not. Happy Valentines!

Best Chat Up Line Ever - Part 2

This is the second part to the story from the previous post.

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Best Chat Up Line Ever!

This is a short story about what I think was and is one of the best chat up lines, its absolutely priceless. Stay tuned for part 2.

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Follow on Instagram and Twitter @sweetsandsalt.