The Time I Rolled With The Big Boys

I was 16 years old and fresh out of my first year out of secondary school. Summer had finally arrived and I wanted to be productive. I wasn't going to sit around all day doing nothing like most of the other people I knew. I was going to go out there and mingle with the big boys, the game changers, the guys that had a purpose and pronoucend "yeah" like "yah" and went to sushi bars for lunch rather than super drugs, as I had been doing all of my part-time working life.

Through my limited connections I had secured a placement at what is now a top trading company, I was out of my sleepy town where the most exciting thing to happen was when a neighbours newspaper wasn't delivered, to the city, where I belonged, where money was made (and lost) at an astounding rate and where bringing your A game was an expectation rather than a bonus. My attire; school shoes, accompanied by an over sized shirt and blazer. I looked like I had been swallowed by a suit.

Well having worked with the "big boys" for a week, I was invited along to birthday gathering with some of the lads. It all seemed like a professional affair with alcoholic drinks that I was encouraged to consume (I was definitely underage) and endless banter. All harmless fun, but it all changed when the clocks struck midnight, It was Jekyll and Hyde esq.  It was at the precise moment when I was ready to call it a night that I felt a smooth yet firm hand grab me around my neck and tell me the party had just begun (this lad definitely wasn't afraid of a manicure).

I was ushered into a building with only a neon light above the doorway and a bouncer the size of frankenstien standing guard. What the heck is he guarding I wondered as someone stuffed £20 into his pocket as I was bundled inside the "club". After stumbling my way through the entrance and immediately falling up some stairs in my Barrets shoes.  I slowly raised my head to see what I can only imagine T-pain saw when he wrote his infamous song. God was a long way away from this place. This was the devils playground and damn did the devil know how to party.

I looked to my left, it looked like a scene from coco cabana, "B...B..Brazilians," I mutter having only seen figures like theirs on MTV Base.  I look to my right and it looks as though I had just landed in Warsaw, tall beach blonde girls gesturing with the finger. You know that finger that you only see in dirty movies that is frequently accompanied by a wink. I turned around to see no-one behind me, then looked back at her and pointed at myself confused...was she gesturing me!? "She was talking to me!" I exclaim, The "big boys" burst out laughing. What is this place?! I look directly ahead and it felt like I was in Bangkok, girls flying up and down the pole with an athletic prowess that gymnasts in Cirque du Solei would be proud off. Every nationality you could imagine was in there and only the finest specimens at that.

As time ticked on, the "big boys" disappeared one after another, where they went...ask no questions and you'll hear no lies.  I on the other hand fell in love with a stripper, her name escapes me, but I could draw her with my left hand, thats how well I remember her and her many talents. Also because of her I learnt my first and only piece of portugese..."Cerveja".

I secretly support Brazil as a result.

Now being as broke as I was I just sat in amazement until surprisingly someone stuffed a wad of cash in my pocket and said go on, whilst slapping me on my back and giving me a Wah hey and a wink of encouragement. What happened in the next 4 minutes can only be described as a glorious experience (no it wasn't that! get your head out of the gutter). So this is what the "big boys" got up to, I muttered to myself...I wanted in.

I must say though, thank you mr anonymous for that wad, it paid for my taxi and Sushi lunches for the whole of the next week! Finally, I was one of the big boys.

If Valentines Day Wasn't Bad Enough

What's worse than February 14th for single ladies... Monday 16th. If you're lucky, so far you have been able to avoid social media, turned a blind eye to all in-store flower promotions and even managed to side step the hype of the 50 Shades of Grey film (which I have been told is terrible, although that person was a bitter single lady).

I have out lined this day as being even more devastating than the 14th for 2 reasons:

1. Women show off.

Women enjoy talking about themselves, fact, but there is nothing women love sharing more than a story that involves their partner showing their appreciation for them. Better prepare your interested story listening face because the realisation that you are alone will come thick and fast.

Now guys that have a good woman and even those with bad women know they cannot get away with doing nothing for their partner on the day of love (it's just not worth the arguments). So whether they love their woman or hate her with a passion, you can guarantee he did something. Whether it was taking her to Paris and admiring the Eiffel Tower or picking up a bunch of wilted flowers after work from the petrol station, he made sure he ticked that box.

Before...

One thing that women are the brilliant at, other than arguing, complaining, taking things out of context and only seeing things from their perspective is exaggeration, and with the new art form of Instagram filters, exageration has became an effortless exercise, that once bouquet of wilted flowers can be transformed within seconds to a never ending bed of roses (so don't take their pictures literally).

...After

2. Everyone got engaged

It seems this was a bumper year for the diamond industry because everyone got engaged! Everyone except you! Facebook, Instagram and twitter are all full to the point of explosion with pictures of proposals, engagement rings and cute couples. Damn them and their happiness you say as they continue to rub your noses in it, you reluctantly "like" their picture, they have over 100 likes, it would be rude not to you think to yourself and you are no hater, hmm.

But don't worry single ladies, I've got a good feeling about this year, it's going to be your year, you will take a walk down the street, bump into someone, drop your books and gaze lovingly into that strangers eyes as he attempts to help you pick them up. He will become besotted with you and ask to be your boyfriend, you will conquer the world together and live happily every after (Disclaimer: If this hasn't happened by February 14th 2016 re-read this paragraph). To surmise, if you're sensitive about having noone special to share Valentines Day with, do yourself a favour and call in sick.

In reality though, it's just another day and if you really want to know it's origins and why so many people are made to feel so sh*tty on this day every year, you may want to watch this video. The origins of this celebration are more screwed up than you think. Would you care about this day if it wasn't so commercialised...probably not. Happy Valentines!

How To Win On Valentines Day - Part 1

There's a famous saying and it goes something like this, "there are three types of people in this world, those that can count and those that can't". Well as much as that is true for 364 days of the year. On February the 14th this all goes out the window, because on Valentines Day it's a whole new ball game.

There still remains 3 types of people yet, they differ substantially, there are those that are lonely, those that are bitter and those that take their (love) life by the scuff of the neck, these my friends are the opportunists. In this blog I'm going to give you a taster of how to be this kind of person and not only will you secure a "date" for that special day, but you may even get lucky, actually, i'm not a miracle worker but lets crack on. I'm going to make this short and sweet as the game isn't that hard.

Now at this time of year people are probably the loneliest they will ever be and for the last 2 weeks the poor souls have been unable to escape the Valentines Day hype. The newspapers are full of gifts to get your partner, you can't walk though a supermarket without knocking over a bunch of roses and films have been produced specifically to make you feel like sh*t. It has become a dreaded day, but not for you, this is the day you have been waiting for, its the day you change someones fate, your doing this for them, not for yourself, you wouldn't be that selfish.

Now those that are lonely and bitter have something in common, they both want someone to show them some affection. and contrary to popular belief, on this day of opportunity most people out there will be lonely and they will spend the majority of the day looking at their phones for a notification from their crush that never comes.

Now this is where the opportunist comes in, the opportunist is neither lonely or bitter on Valentines Day but instead are chancers and can sniff out a chance from a mile off. They pre-game, they've been planning this stuff for weeks, Valentines Day won't spring up on them like they've told you. They've been grooming you without your knowledge, they have the mind of a predator. And are in the know, he knows that if you're single, 9 times out of 10 you will be one of the above.

Lads if you are still looking to secure that "date" on Valentines Day, there are few simple steps you must follow, because trust me every lad out there is doing it, and if you haven't started yet it's going to be a quiet night infront of pornhub for you and no-one wants that, you've got the other 364 days of the year to show that kind off affection, Mia Khalifa can wait.

Step 1 -  Scroll through your whats app and message all girls indiscriminately, and when I say indiscriminanlty I mean it. You may get a few, "who's this" or "if you contact me again I'm calling the police" but it's all part and parcel. "Hey ;-)" will suffice. Get the conversation going, chances are out of your 50 female contacts you will get at least 10% in replies back. thats a whole 500% more girls than you were talking to yesterday. #Winning, You're in the game!

Lol...keep fighting

2.) Join POF or Tinder - Contrary to what peoples profiles say, they know the score, that site has a reputation for a reason. I've heard that Tinder now limits likes per day so hurry up and finish this so you can get to work, swipe right until you run out of credits then move back onto POF, repeat this cyclically until you get a reply (POF conversation starters can be offered at request).

3.) Update your profile picture with one of you holding a dog, strange but true, the b*tches love dogs. Pug or Chihuahua preferable, but any puppy will suffice. If you don't have a dog, walk to the park and borrow someone else's, get it done by hook or by crook.

He Knows

That's all for now, but I'll be back with more tips. Happy Valentines Day, Godspeed!

Best Chat Up Line Ever - Part 2

This is the second part to the story from the previous post.

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Best Chat Up Line Ever!

This is a short story about what I think was and is one of the best chat up lines, its absolutely priceless. Stay tuned for part 2.

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