The Time I Confronted The Staring Man

London Underground, The most convienient way to travel around the city? I'm normally a big fan of it's services and for the most part sing it's praises; not having to wait more than approximately 4 minutes for a tube, environmentally friendly and provides over 20,000 jobs. However being on the inside is a different story. If journeys on the tube weren't uncomfortable enough with the lack of personal space and the sizeable amount of commuters that lack personal hygiene, why is there always a starer on the carriage?

Well after a long and miserable day at work, Uncharacteristically I knew something was going to tip me over the edge, I wasn't quite sure what it would be, or the form it would take, but I knew a storm was brewing and all it needed was a one more straw to break the proverbial camels back.

It was 1735 and like everyone else on the over crowded platform, I waited in anticipation for the tube so we could charge like baying wolves and secure ourself a seat. It is all about the timing and I was victorious. I smiled gingerly as I crossed my legs and began to read my Evening Standard, this would be my home for the next 18 minutes and I was going to make my self comfortable. However as I sat down I could feel myself being watched. I could feel someones eyes piercing into the side of my face, you know that feeling you get when someone is watching you, its like a sixth sense, an eerie feeling that can make you feel paranoid. I became slightly self conscious and rubbed my nose, just in case I had a stray bogie, then subtly wipe my mouth, just incase their was still evidence of my prawn mayonnaise sandwich in the crease of my lips from my rushed afternoon snack, nope....nothing.

I go back into London Underground lemming mode and attempt to look in the only direction that people aren't present. After a sustained period of being stared at, I worked myself into a low level frenzy and unanswered questioned sprayed around my mind. Why was this man looking at me? Did he know me? Did I know him? Did he have a problem with me? He was breaking all the rules of London Underground etiquette. Everyone knows when you are on the tube you do 1 of 4 things: A - read the Evening Standard, B - listen to music C - go to sleep or D - play Candy Crush. Last time I checked staring someone out wasnt on the list.

He was staring at me like he wanted to take my soul from my body one blink at a time. Well I wasnt going to let him, it was my soul and I am keeping it. I then realised how girls felt, stares without words.

Was this an act of confrontation? Yeah he's confromting me I thought to myself. I was going to put an end to this. He's challenging me at 547pm on the central line between Bank to Queensway, he probably does it all the time I infer, trying to intimidate people and pick fights. Yeah thats what he is, he's a fight picker. He's a fight picker in a tracksuit with broken shoes and he wants a piece of me. Well not today! I enthuse. Dont let this tailored shirt, sharp shoes and man bag fool you, I can get down and dirty. "Im from east london where you watch your mood or you end up in a box like an oxo cube"....er hmm. And with that I can feel adrenaline pulsating through my veins, a rumble in my stomach that transfromed as it ran up my osophagus, past my vocal cords then morphed into words as it battled its way through my gritted teeth...."you alright mate?" I say confrontingly as I stare deeply into the windows of his soul, analysing his every move with the intensity of 1000 suns.

"Yeah" he replies casually, inciting my wrath even more, "I was looking at your coat" he continues "its nice, where did you get it from?", "Ahh thanks mate" I respond sheepishly, "It was a gift". I pick up my evening standard and smile embarrassed.

The Time They Had a Holiday Romance

Holiday Romances, everyone's had one, haven't they? Chances are if you have been on holiday you have been in a relationship that has swept you off your feet, got you into situations that you didn't expect and left you quivering for more. Broadly they come in two forms.

The Fraudulent

If you've ever been to Jamaica, you will notice there are guys just chilling and walking around the beach with seemingly nothing to do. They are known as Beach Boys and have quite a reputation. Beach Boys generally seek out a female tourist, sweet talk her panties off, make her feel like the sun shines from her anus, mentally and physically transport them into the stratosphere, only for her to come crashing down to earth once she finds out that he is after one of 2 things, her money or marriage. But not marriage for honourable reasons, marriage so he can get his "papers a foreign" aka a visa.

Well it was worth a try wasn't it Susan, after all, maybe you could have been the one to change him. These women can often be found with a pay day loan application in hand screaming..."I thought he loved me!" Nope, "that gannne man" as my dad would say and like a puff of smoke he disappears and is on the prowl for another. Caribbean countries are pretty notorious for this but I hear waiters and bar men in general, specifically those in Turkey, Spain and Greece are prolific at selling dreams.

The Legitimate

You meet someone on holiday that you are instantly attracted to, the feeling is mutual, you end up spending all your time with them, they show you new things, they speak with an accent, they touch your soul spiritually, they blow your mind sexually (you didn't know you were that flexible until you met them), you think about them constantly and then are left wondering what might have been once you board you flight and return to your boring reality. Now some people are fortunate enough to never meet their holiday romance again and can forever live within the memories of their dream relationships. Others however are less fortunate and meet them again only to realise it was not what they thought it was and of course there is also the minority that maintain a good relationship and the minuscule that make it work in the long term.

But why do they happen so frequently and why do they seldom work in reality? Why would you allow yourself to drift into deep water whilst in unfamiliar territory? Particularly when you are at your most vulnerable, but not when you are on a night out on friday in liquid (do people still go there?).

Once again I posed these questions to my trusted network of friends and came out with a variety of answers ranging from, "cos your on holiday innit" to the more thought out response of "on holiday people are more open and relaxed and as a result are more open to new experiences and are less critical of thier partners".

I have to agree and think that the reason we become so quickly besotted with people abroad is due to a few things; we are more open to new experiences, we let go of our inhibitions, we are less critical of the people we meet and we give people a chance, (although the sun, sea and alcohol plays a key role). It also makes me wonder how different this world would be if people were a little less serious and did what they wanted to do rather than what other people think they should. There is a part in the video above which talks about being trapped in someone else's master plan, where all she feels she is doing is almost following a repetitive cycle, like a lemming, "go to school, get a job, get a mortgage". What if rather than reserving that free spirit mind frame for our annual summer holiday, we used it on a day to day basis. Sure nothing would get done, but I'm sure you will be much happier doing it.

Overall, although most people think holiday romances are destined to fail in the long term and they kind of are by definition, I don't think it matters. If you are able to really be yourself around someone, I think you should. Go out there and enjoy yourself, we only have 5 weeks of annual leave a year, best to spend at least 2 of them being happy.

What do you think? Leave your comments below.

The Time I Knew WWF Wasn't For Me

I was in Cancun for spring break! Whoop whoop, I was living the freshmen's dream. It was the mecca of irresponsible students, the city where biceps came before brains and where brains came to die.  The only thing of importance in Cancun was alcohol and lots more of it. The level of alcohol consumption can be analysed in this short story. On the first night of my trip I stumbled out of bed and staggered down to the hotel restaurant with the taste of tequila festering in my mouth. As I wandered past the pool I was greeted by the sounds of a group chanting "bo-dy shot, body shot!". For those of you that are innocent and unaware, a body shot is a when someone consumes a shot of alcohol from the belly button of the opposite sex. I looked at my watch to find it was10am. I repeat this was happening at 10am...I was on my way to breakfast. 

So having taken 2 days to adjust to the masculine and intense culture which was ever present in this sunshine city, my brother and I decided to lay on the beach to relax, detox, chill and catch a few rays. After all what's a holiday if you can't do that. How this innocent sunbathe ended up with myself with a near broken neck and needing a massge from a fruity looking dude with surfing shorts and hair flowing to his shoulders, still confuses me.

Do you have a sibling? Are you the younger sibling? Well if you are im sure you will feel my pain. After taking a stroll with my brother down the beach we saw a few guys play fighting in the sunshine. It looked like fun. Picture this scene, music blasting, the sun blazing, alcohol flowing, people dancing wildly on the beach; nobody had a care in the world.

This environment made me come out of my skin and caught up in the hype of the moment I take a look at my brother and say to myself, this is my chance, I'm not "young one" anymore I'm going to take him. I'm going to show him whose the "big brother". The idea of defeating my brother fizzes in my mind like a shaken bottle of lemonade and the more I think about it the more I believe in myself.  The Rocky theme beats loudly in my head. The powerful trumpets raising my pulse with every beat. I can do it! I will avenege all those times that he out muscled me, out thought me and tormented me as a child! I'm taller, leaner and adrenaline is on my side. This battle of David and Goliath is going to have a twist! 



I begin to challenge him and trash talk. He doesn't need much encouragement and accepts my offer with open arms. I circle him like a vulture, analysing his every move. We start to wrestle..."Im going to take you", I mutter, psyching myself up in the process. The iconic scene in 300 flashes through my mind, "This is Sparta!" I envision myself giving him the sparta kick into the Caribbean sea. That's for the time you sold me fireworks, took them when I wasn't aware and then told me that I must have forgotten that I used them (I was 9 years old) I mumble...but think twice once I realise I havent stretched my legs. 

Then I visualise giving him the Stone Cold Stunner...could that work in real life? "thats for the time you turned of all the lights from the fuse box and locked me in the house" I whisper, but then I realise I don't have JR comentatiing on this battle so it wont have the same affect. 

I throw caution to the wind and dive in...god dammit he's got a low centre of gravity, this may not work...I jump out of the grapple attempting to reassess my options. In my peripheral vision I see a small crowd gathering, I dive in again this time going for his legs, I've got them, surely i'll avenge my defeats. Suddenly he gets me in a headlock, I kid you not, I was in this headlock for an eternity, you could have gone home watched a full season of breaking bad, came back and still not have missed anything. My head was literally being removed from my neck one vertebrae at a time. I was being hung with both feet on the ground.

He goaded me, "give up, you know you want to"...I did want to, but pride is something that doesn't disappear easily from a stubborn mule like myself. My face is now embedded in the sand, the sand which massaged my toes only moments earlier was now an accomplice in my imminent murder. After what felt like forever, I reluctantly ate humble pie and tapped out. I took another L, but lets look on the bright side...I didn't die, i'll get you next time bro, when you least expect it. 

Best Chat Up Line Ever - Part 2

This is the second part to the story from the previous post.

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Best Chat Up Line Ever!

This is a short story about what I think was and is one of the best chat up lines, its absolutely priceless. Stay tuned for part 2.

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